January 27, 1998
Special
"Peccadillo Circus"
Issue
Bhaah! Pew! Pssst, hack, ptooy! What kind of sewer line have the news people tapped into now? This thing is offensive, revolting, stomach-turning, in fact. Lies, intimidation, denials without conscience: what a fetid cesspool these people in the White House live in.
To succeed in chaining the multitude, you must seem to wear the same fetters.
... Voltaire
It is much easier to repent of sins we have committed than to repent those we intend to commit.
... Josh Billings
dramatis personae
Billi a president
Hills a wife of a president
Press a sycophant
Spotted Al a vice-president
women
three witches
chorus of useful idiots
Chorus: All hail to the chief,
As he works on his brief.
It will give someone grief
If it comes out to light.
He will fight to the death
And expend his last breath,
Since the issue's beneath
His attention tonight.
[Scene one: an oval room]
Spotted Al: When do I get to sit there?
Billi: Not yet. Now look here, Press, these news people
are ruining everything.
Press: I agree, Mr. President. I will see to it that some
of them are disciplined.
Billi: No, that's not what I mean. I mean, we've got to
win them over.
Press: Yes, sir, Mr. President. I think a little pressure
from the newspaper owners should do the trick.
Spotted Al: Now?
Billi: No, Al, you knothead.
Spotted Al: Well, when?
Billi: Maybe never, Al. We haven't lost this thing yet.
Press, you are missing the point. We want to win
their confidence by convincing them that I am doing
the best job possible.
Press: ... under the circumstances.
Billi: Not "under the circumstances." At all. I am the
only one who can deliver child care, care for the
aging, intern, I mean, indigent care, and so on.
You have got to go out there and reassure them.
Press: OK, I've got the picture. We convince the news
people that you are the only one who can turn the
trick on social programs. It's all lies, and they
are all sluts anyway, right? Money, money, money,
money, that's all they are after.
Spotted Al: How about just for a minute?
Billi: That's the line. Thanks. No, Al, for the last
time, you cannot sit in my chair. Not yet, maybe
not ever. Certainly not until I'm finished with it.
Go over there and sit down. Be quiet for a while.
(exit Press)
(enter Hills)
Hills: Boy, it's a pressure cooker out there. (sits)
Billi: I bet. I can hardly work on my speech. By the way,
where is it?
Hills: I am surprised you've written it already. You don't
know what you are going to say yet, do you?
Billi: Of course I do. I just going to say, uh, it never
happened, and I'm very sorry, and it won't happen
again, and I deny, oh, everything.
Hills: You idiot. I swear I don't understand what they see
in you. No, you don't mention it at all. It is
beneath your dignity as President.
Billi: Nothing at all?
Hills: Nothing. This year it's Village, chapters eight
through ten. You losing your grip?
Billi: I've lost my draft. Al, are you sitting on it?
Spotted Al: Oops.
Billi: Get up from there. Al, how am I supposed to read
this thing with a straight face, with the imprint of
your butt on it?
Spotted Al: Well, Billi, I have to sit somewhere. How about
behind the big desk?
Billi: No, not now. Don't you have something to do?
Spotted Al: I suppose I could start choosing a replacement.
Chorus: In typical fashion,
The Executive Mansion
Is filled with the passion
Of power under siege.
The first indication
Of Bill's vindication
Will mean a vacation
From hearing "alleged."
[Scene two: a bedroom; Billi sleeping, in a fever dream]
Billi: (moans) I'm sorry. It never happened.
(enter various women, drifting through the air)
1st woman: Atlanta.
2nd woman: Portland.
Billi: Who are you?
3rd woman: On the runway at Dulles.
Billi: Who are you? Why have you come?
4th woman: The U. N. We are your past, come back to visit you.
5th woman: To take up where we left off. Philadelphia. The
balcony at Kennedy Center. Twice.
Billi: No, you can't be. I've had you all paid off.
6th woman: You might have missed some of us. Little Rock,
eight times. Then, Nashville.
7th woman: Little Rock, in the mansion, twice; once in the back
of the trooper's car.
Billi: No, no. You were all taken care of. You promised
that we could keep this all to ourselves.
8th woman: We are, we are. Bosnia, six times.
Billi: But, why are you all here at once?
9th woman: In the White House, for a year. Also on the Mall.
We are bringing you a new experience.
Billi: What's that?
(all converge)
All women: TEETH!
Billi: Aaaaargh!
Chorus: He goes into battle
'Gainst those who would tattle,
With forces of strength that'll
Stand in the breach.
When he's not besotted,
He strikes the carotid.
His foes get garrotted,
In figure of speech.
Yet where each foe falls,
Ten new ones stand tall,
As they stretch down the Mall,
Crying one word, "Impeach!"
[Scene three: a blasted heath]
1st witch: Boil and bubble.
2nd witch: Toil and trouble.
3rd witch: Mir and Hubble.
Billi: Where am I? I was giving my State of the Union
speech.
1st witch: Envoys sending.
2nd witch: Deficit spending.
3rd witch: Appointments pending.
Billi: I was right here where I'm going to tell everyone
about how I'm going to save Social Security...
1st witch: Brew it hot.
2nd witch: Stir it deep.
3rd witch: Let it steep.
All three: Bits of cattle futures, ground to dust.
Add FBI files, if you must.
Eye of Newt, tongue of Trent,
Al Gore's wallet, all downward sent.
Let the scalding Whitewater flow
And boil up Foster's bones below.
Let the leader of the Western world
Drink, and to his fate unknown be hurled!
Billi: Gracious, you witches are scary. I sure don't like
the looks of that witch's brew. But I seem to
recognize you. Have we met?
1st witch: I am the harpy of Albright. Cursed be the day you
cross me.
2nd witch: I am the harpy of Shalala. Better you had died than
to oppose me.
3rd witch: I am the harpy of Reno. Better you had never been
born than to defy me.
Billi: I thought so. Well, can you tell me how this latest
brouhaha is going to turn out?
1st witch: The venial sin shall with mortal consequences be
repaid.
2nd witch: Better to have gone than to have stayed.
3rd witch: But you shall remain until all recompense is made.
Billi: So, what are the choices? Can you tell me what to
do?
1st witch: Do? There's nothing you can do.
2nd witch: Turn on the spit and stew.
3rd witch: Roast in the knowledge that there is no one to turn
to.
Billi: I thought that you would have better advice than
that.
1st witch: Oh, it's advice you want. You have great plans for
the future, but your problem is to get through
tomorrow.
2nd witch: There's no one left whose aid you can borrow.
3rd witch: All you can do is endure the sorrow.
Billi: Why? How can you be so sure? There must be a
solution. What makes you so certain that this has to
end badly for me?
All three: Hillary refuses to resign!
Chorus: A plague on reason,
'Tis not the season
To think about prison
Or remedies vile.
Just keep hanging on,
Till all options are gone.
You can wait by the phone.
Just remember to smile.
The world's not ended.
What if they're offended?
Marv Albert's extended
His support group's file.
In an ancient creation myth of the prehistoric Harvard people, the world is was brought into existence with the saying, "Let us come to order." And it was so. The world was made flat, by fiat, and set upon the backs of four lawyers, one at each corner, the north, the south, the east, and the west. And each of those lawyers is set upon the backs of four more lawyers, and each of those upon the backs of four more, and so on.
If you are wondering what the world ultimately rests on, (to paraphrase the charming story that Stephen Hawking tells) it's lawyers all the way down.
Without going into the details about the current crisis in the White House, with which I am disgusted (and I wonder why every American is not offended beyond toleration by this unbelievably tawdry episode), I want to make three, rather unconnected, but strongly felt points.
(1) I am frankly offended by the almost constant intimation by the press and the President's defenders that there is a distinction to be made between lying and committing perjury. Of course, there is a criminal penalty attached to the latter, but I think most people know that. The jail time could well make the consequences for lying more onerous, but it does not make perjury more wrong that an ordinary lie. On a purely moral plane, they are indistinguishable, save for the formality with which perjury is committed.
(2) The President is foolish to try to deny it all. It won't wash. As a man of the world, I know that men do not develop a reputation for womanizing without there being some kernel of truth to the claim.
(3) One thing that I have picked up from the press and various of the President's defenders over the last few months is the claim that there is no evidence, no evidence that the President ever did this or that, no evidence that he spoke to someone or urged them to deny, etc., ad nauseam. This is simply wrong, on two counts.
First, there is plenty of evidence. Sworn testimony is always regarded as evidence in a trial. Witness testimony is never unimpeachable evidence, of course, but it is evidence, and a jury can act on it. Many have, and the jails are full of felons who would have escaped punishment save for witness testimony. And there is plenty of testimony, as Mr. Starr probably knows better than all of us. So, the claim that there is no evidence is simply phony.
But, secondly, the notion that there is no evidence is balderdash simply because we have not found all the evidence yet. When we do, there is going to be a mighty accounting. It is simply silly to claim that there is no evidence: the President's men (and some of the women) are covering it up, as fast as they can, wherever they find it. Getting the story straight.
From all the deliciously prurient and delightfully squalid reports, it seems that the lights at the White House need to be turned from white to red. The title "Special Assistant to the President" will never be applied to anyone without a smirk again. The sooner we are rid of this goat, the better for all concerned.
I heard a genuinely mediocre concert last week at Dallas' exquisite Meyerson Symphony Center. The guest conductor chose a program of such pedestrian character that I was able to give some attention to the virtues of the hall. First was the Russian Easter Overture, Rimsky-Korsakov's likable and entertaining, but noisy, work, played too slow and too placidly. Maestro Borok then performed Mozart's D Major Concerto for violin and orchestra, a solid work (but I vastly prefer the A Major), played very well with a suitably small orchestra. After the intermission, Debussy's Prelude to the Afternoon of a Faun caught our attention briefly, and then we proceeded to the major work, Respighi's empty, vain, puffy, movie-music-for-which-no-movie-was-ever-made, "The Pines of Rome," for which the only consolation is that "The Fountains of Rome" is worse.
What was so marvelous was that these familiar (and to me, less preferred) works, presented by a conductor with little energy and no imagination, afforded the rare opportunity to appreciate the hall itself. The pure sensual pleasure of hearing music in so perfect a setting was so engrossing that one could forget the mediocrity of the program and the conductor and simply listen to the beautiful, if mostly meaningless, sounds of a great symphony orchestra, laboring temporarily in unseemly bondage.
Anybody who feels at ease in the world today is a fool.
... Robert M. Hutchins
Bosnia, Iraq, the Middle East, Sudan. Any of these presently dormant (except for Sudan) conflicts could demand our attention on little more than a moment's notice, while we are rolling in the muck.
It is widely held that America cannot be the world's policeman. Sadly, this may be true, but the world does badly need a policeman, all the same.
All contents © Copyright 1995, 1996 by Redmon Barbry ¶ 10:22 AM
