August 6, 1997
I have often been asked to be fair and to view a matter from all sides. I did so, hoping that something might improve if I viewed all sides of it. But the result was the same. So I went back to viewing things only from one side, which saves me a lot of work and disappointment.
... Karl Kraus
RB: This is Redmon Barbry with another one of our "Man Face Down
in the Street" interviews. We're speaking with Mr. Blotto
Banghead, who I understand is a long-time resident of
Dallas. Mr. Banghead, can you tell me... (here, let me prop
you up a little bit) ... can you tell me what you think of
President Clinton's timing in the new Mideast peace
initiative?
BB: What time is it?
RB: Ha, ha, another one of those "It's later than you think"
answers. Well, sir, do you think that the Israelis are
ready for another round of peace negotiations?
BB: I plead for probation once.
RB: Uh-huh, I see. Well, what we are trying to find out is
whether you are behind the President all the way in the
Mideast.
BB: Is he coming to the Midwest?
RB: I see. (scribble) The President is paying too much
attention to foreign affairs. (aloud) So, you think the
President should pay more attention to domestic affairs?
BB: He's havin' affairs?
RB: Well, uh, I wouldn't be the one to say, one way or the
other. (scribble) Doubts Clinton's veracity. (aloud) Now
tell us, Mr. Banghead, (don't fall over, sir) do you
consider yourself a typical American?
BB: 'S typical...
RB: Would you say that you are a Republican or a Democrat?
BB: ... crap!
RB: I see. Do you take any interest in politics?
BB: Sure do. How d'you think I got this shiner?
RB: OK, I see. (scribble) A probable activist. (aloud) Do you
think the budget deal the President reached with Congress
will stand?
BB: Can't stand right now. Just wanna sit.
RB: And when the Democrats want to restore the dangerously deep
cuts that the Republicans have put into Medicare, education,
and the environment, will they encounter a deaf ear in the
White House?
BB: They cut off his ear?
RB: No, sir, that's not what I...
BB: The dirty rats!
RB: ... meant. No, sir, pay attention...
BB: Imagine.
RB: Let's try another line of questioning. Mr. Banghead, do you
think that the future depends on the education of our young
people?
BB: Haven't got much future myself. Haven't got much past
either. At least, I don't remember much. Rangers win?
RB: I don't know. That's the sports guy. I'm hard news. Well,
I used to be. Look, Mr. Banghead, if you can't answer the
questions, maybe we should terminate this interview.
BB: Ask me anything.
RB: Do you approve of Mr. Clinton's China policy, constructive
engagement?
BB: I was engaged once. She kept the ring.
RB: Don't fall over, Mr. Banghead. Just one more question: Do
you vote?
BB: Every time. I helped elect Richard Nixon. He still around?
RB: I'm afraid you are about five presidents behind, sir.
BB: Never did trust that fellow. Shifty eyes. Whoops...
RB: All over my new shoes! Mr. Banghead, please!
BB: Ulp...
RB: All right. The views of another typical American. Poll
fodder for the CBRA (that's Can't Blame Reagan Anymore) News
Service. This is your correspondent Redmon Barbry.
NS: I'm Nicola Sacco...
BV: ... and I'm Bartolomeo Vanzetti.
NS: Welcome to the Sacco-Vanzetti News Hour on your local PBS
station. At the top of the news tonight, the President has
signed an executive order that makes criticism of the First
Lady a hate crime. For the story, we switch to our White
House correspondent, Winsome Waffle.
WW: Thanks, Nicola. White House watchers have long expected
this move by the President, in the belief that it will shore
up the sagging First Lady numbers. It has been a rough year
for the First Lady, but this should change her outlook
considerably. Let's talk to the First Lady's press
secretary, Ms. Vanna Tupence. Ms. Tupence, what's the mood
like in the White House today?
VT: Well, the First Lady is as upbeat as ever, Winsome. She
feels that concentrating her energies on the issues and
staying away from partisan politics has really paid off.
WW: Has she been following the counsel of her advisors?
VT: Well, she is a woman with a mind, Winsome, and she knows
that to succeed in the rough and tumble of First Lady
politics, she has to adopt a new strategy.
WW: Like callous indifference?
VT: Well, Winsome, around the White House, we call it "studied
aloofness."
WW: This is Winsome Waffle at the White House. Back to you,
Nicola.
NS: Thanks, Winsome. We now go to Fill Turgid, who is with the
Independent Persecutor Kenneth Smart.
WT: This is Fill Turgid with the Independent Counsel. Mr.
Smart, does the new Executive Order effect your
investigation?
KS: I have no comment on that.
WT: Can the grand jury's work proceed with the threat of
prosecution for a hate crime hanging over them?
KS: I really cannot talk about the details.
WT: Is there anything you can talk about?
KS: I really cannot comment on that.
WT: There are only three years left in the century.
KS: I really couldn't say.
WT: There you have it: the candid views of Kenneth Smart on this
stunning move in the long chess game with the White House.
Back to you, Nicola.
NS: Thanks, Fill. Now, we move to Capital Hill, where Mascara
Tugboat is standing by with leading members of Congress.
Mascara?
MT: This is Mascara Tugboat in the Capital. I have with me
Majority Leader of the Senate Trent Lickspot. Senator
Lickspot, what is your reaction to this latest development?
NS: Well, Mascara, I am shocked, just shocked, that the White
House would stoop to such tactics. There are already
several senators who are calling for hearings and an
investigation. We will certainly spend a lot of time
looking into this brazen abuse of power, during the next
session.
MT: Here is the Speaker of the House, Newt Fidget. Speaker
Fidget, how does this affect your relationship with the
White House?
NF: It certainly places the First Lady in a uniquely protected
position.
MT: Will this new executive order slow down your assault on the
poor, the aged, and the depressed? Will it help to restore
the massive, dangerous cuts in Medicare, Medicaid, and the
environment that you have personally championed?
NF: Now, we have always...
MT: Hold on, here is Attorney General Rancid Jello. General
Jello, what brings you to Capital Hill?
RJ: Hello, Mascara. I am here to place Speaker Fidget under
arrest for violation of Executive Order
54542.127794653589/a/b/c, for suggesting that the First Lady
is being protected, and that she is not like every other
citizen. I will take that tape, too. It may contain
evidence.
MT: Whoops, back to you Nicola.
NS: Thank you, Mascara. Now, with a comment, Bartolomeo
Vanzetti.
BV: Thank you, Nicola.
A First Lady is many things -- leader, source of inspiration
to the President, thorn in his side, sometimes. But mostly,
she is simply there, speaking at gatherings, serving tea,
staying warm while the President drones on about subjects
above her head. The protection that the President has given
her today effectively puts her out of the reach of her
critics. In fact, now, she has no critics. Maybe, she
never did. This should be quite a relief to her defenders,
who have been pretty hard-pressed of late.
Before we have to ask ourselves whether I am actually saying
anything in particular, we can all agree that if democracy
always worked this well, think where we would be.
NS: That's our news, tonight. For National Socialist Radio, I'm
Nicola Sacco...
BV: ...and for the Paid-for Bureau of Socialism, I'm Bartolomeo
Vanzetti.
All contents © Copyright 1995, 1996 by Redmon Barbry ¶ 10:50 PM
