January 20, 1997
Blessed are the poor in spirit: for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
Blessed are they that mourn: for they shall be comforted.
Blessed are the meek: for they shall inherit the earth.
Blessed are they which do hunger and thirst after righteousness: for they shall be filled.
Blessed are the merciful: for they shall obtain mercy.
Blessed are the pure in heart: for they shall see God.
Blessed are the peacemakers: for they shall be called the children of God.
Blessed are they which are persecuted for righteousness' sake: for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
Blessed are ye, when men shall revile you, and persecute you, and shall say all manner of evil against you falsely, for my sake.
Rejoice, and be exceeding glad: for great is your reward in heaven: for so persecuted they the prophets which were before you.
... Matthew 5:3-12
A couple of years ago, President Clinton declared during a speech on some aspect of his foreign policy that, "Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall inherit the earth," thus apparently confounding Matthew 5:9 with Matthew 5:5. Everyone at the time mistook this for a slip of the rhetorical tongue, but it was not so: it was, in fact, the pronouncement of a new and previously unsuspected beatitude.
I will skip discussion of all the erroneous inferences about how much time Mr. Clinton spent listening in Sunday School or what dimwit writes his speeches (I think he writes most of them himself), and pass on to the larger, and in the long run, far more significant, issue of his announcing the existence of a new beatitude. Because of the Source for the original Beatitudes, it has long been felt by most people that the canon of Beatitudes was closed and has been so for a considerable time. Thus we have nine Beatitudes, we have always had only nine, and we will never have more than nine, according to our narrow and, I must say, in retrospect, unimaginative attitudes toward such things. But Mr. Clinton, always urging us to retain an open mind, has introduced the idea that the canon, or in more up-to-date phraseology, the operational envelope, of the Beatitudes can be expanded.
In recognition of this breakthrough in theology and moral philosophy, and also to help to install and make permanent this striking addition to the landscape of American rhetoric, I present, The William Jefferson Clinton Beatitude Generator
A quick introduction to give a little background and some operating instructions: The rubric of the generalized beatitude is
"Blessed are the [class], for [a blessing or benefit that accrues to the members of the class],"
called, for short, the Generalized Beatitude Pattern Sentence, or GBPS. By providing new classes to be substituted for [class] in the GBPS, and new blessings to be substituted for [a blessing...], new and hitherto unimagined beatitudes can be produced.
In this device, there are two columns of words or phrases, the left one describing the various classes to be considered, and the other giving the specific nature of the blessings. Accordingly, there are ten rows of choices, numbered from zero to nine. The way the generator is used is as follows: at need, choose a number between 0 and 99 at random from some reliable source, like a phone book or a government-approved random-number table (with the latter, you can be sure that the numbers are truly random); use the first digit to select the class; use the second digit to select the blessing; then place the resulting selections into the GBPS; voila! a new beatitude. This mechanism provides for the generation of up to 100 new beatitudes!
Let's try one from scratch, just for practice. Choose 24 as the random number (and a fine random number it is!), and see that it selects, respectively, "doctrinaire socialists" and "they shall assist in electing Bill Clinton to a second term." Plug these selections into the GBPS, and we have, "Blessed are doctrinaire socialists, for they shall assist in electing Bill Clinton to a second term," a worthy sentiment if ever I heard one.
As you become more experienced with this mechanism, you can begin to substitute new classes for the ones in the list, as well as substituting any new blessings you might be able to think of. In fact, you can dream up a whole new table! That way, you can have your own personal, private set of beatitudes that you can call upon whenever you need to.
One final instruction: if you choose a number less than ten, just imagine the zero in front. We would not want to leave out the rabid labor leaders, would we?
Have fun! And keep those new beatitudes coming!
[class] [a blessing or benefit...]
0. rabid labor leaders they shall be thought to be
progressive
1. the purchasers of they are candidates for the
Hillary's book American nomenclatura
2. doctrinaire socialists they shall be awarded the Vincent
Foster Medal for Persistence
3. agitators for doctor- they shall be considered as
assisted suicide vice-presidential material
4. protectors of endangered they shall assist in electing
beetles Bill Clinton to a second term
5. large contributors to they shall reap huge tax benefits
the Democratic Party
6. those who invent new they will not have to listen to a
constitutional rights four-hour foreign policy
briefing by Warren Christopher
7. those who think the sky they shall be given bits of the
is falling rain-forest to protect
8. congressmen who support they are invited to an all-
the president like mad vegetarian hotdog picnic on the
dogs lawn of the White House
9. fans of Surgeon-General they will not have to pay "nanny"
Joycelyn Elders taxes
That's all there is to it, folks. Now, you try it!
All contents © Copyright 1995, 1996 by Redmon Barbry ¶ 4:50 PM
