April 1, 1996
First the National Helium Reserve gets blown off the budget map; now the National Tea Council is down the drain. Will it never end? One institution, though, that will never be in any danger is the Federal Flatulence Reserve, headquarters, 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, D.C.
Life is so unpredictable. Here are some headlines we can expect to see in the coming months:
Clinton signs Contract with America
Polls rise, Stephanopoulos claims Clinton had ideas first
Gingrich named Carnegie Course "Man of the Year"
Speaker surprised, Bonior signs up
Dole endorsed by ACA, ADA
Officials puzzled by coincidence, Dole said jubilant
Hong Kong purchases mainland China
Li Peng, other leaders reluctantly accept pensions
ACLU defends innocent victim
Officials act quickly to ensure no repeat of historic first
Clinton: Public would not understand internal WH memo
Bill to George: How's the Whitewater cover-up going?
Sports violence defended
Victimized sensitive man-child healing his father
wound by expressing the latent wild man within
President of Iraq dies
Name being withheld till next of kin notified
Microsoft acquires the sun
Company promises no change in daylight hours
Perot withdraws from race, re-enters 5 minutes later
Larry King Show ratings through the ceiling
Limbaugh refers to "George Dole"
Is that George Herbert Walker Dole?
Dallas heat wave hits 114 degrees
With wind chill, only 106
Seven dwarfs reduced to four
Three let go in Snow White down-sizing
Tax hike in new Clinton budget
Tax cut was for demo version only
Activists push for ban on all antibiotics
Biodiversity, bacterial rights cited
Correction: Universe to end in 12 billion years, not million
Newspaper regrets error, counseling hot-line opened
Apple quarterly loss exceeds GNP of Bolivia
CEO: We've turned the corner
Source of Windows 95 erased
Experimental 100% compression routine blamed
Channel 4 is our station for the brain-dead around here. It used to be affiliated with CBS; now it is Fox. No noticeable change, they still carry the Cowboys.
A while back, they did a story on a certain parricide named Donna Pope, 16 or 17 years old, whom they described as a hefty blond. Now, I don't recall whether she stabbed her parents to death or blew them away with a shotgun, but it was pretty violent, V-chip material. She ran away out west in her parents car and was apprehended because she was using her parents' credit cards. The station was reporting her capture on the 10 o'clock news and describing how she was being brought back to face justice.
I was looking away from the TV (as usual) during most of this report, but I looked up at the end as the newsreader was describing the scene at the court house. I was astonished to see an image, in a box to the left of the newsreader, of the beatific visage of His Holiness Pope John Paul II, beaming down upon us, during the reading of this gruesome story. While it is true that the Pope is a big man, not really hefty, and that he was once blonde, the similarities would seem to end there. How do these things happen?
My guess: instructions in the script: "Put up Pope picture."
OK.
All contents © Copyright 1995, 1996 by Redmon Barbry ¶ 9:14 PM
