June 20, 1996
There is no philosophy possible where fear of consequences is stronger than love of truth.
... John Stuart Mill
Five Principles:
- Honor Work
- Fight for Children
- Protect Families
- Responsibility
- Basic Fairness
From long experience at reading between the lines in press releases, wire service reports, the Congressional Record, etc., I have become quite adept at bird hunting in the Democrat preserves, so there was no chance that I would miss a sprouting peacock like this set of five guiding principles from the Democrat leadership's "Agenda for Progress" (see above). The trouble is, what do you do with such a prize catch? roast it? stuff it? put it in a zoo? It is so bad that disposing of it raises biohazard considerations.
The premises that Sen. Daschle and Rep. Gephardt have expounded are so preposterous on the face that I am tempted simply to let it speak for itself. How can you make fun of something that is already uproariously absurd? How to refute something that stands refuted as soon as it is uttered? How to ridicule something already ridiculous? Consider--
- Honor Work -- You must be kidding, Tom and Dick: the Democrat Party has built so many disincentives for work into our current tax and welfare systems that even the most dedicated Democrat cannot possibly take you seriously on this one. The burdens placed on work by the tax system have now reached such extremity that even the kind of tax cut Bob Dole is trotting out (15%) will only take us back to the conditions in the mid 1980's.
- Fight for Children -- Whose children? mine? you can't have them. Politicians who hide behind emotive appeals like "fighting for children" have an empty agenda and nothing to offer. The Democrats are running scared; they should be: the cupboard is bare. Their best hope is to conjure up some dragon so that they can be seen to slay it.
- Protect Families -- Families did not have a problem until the Democrats came along and invented a system with incentives for fathers to abandon their families. It was the Democrats that created the huge, government-supported ghettos that they seem to love so much. I agree, families have little chance in environments like that. We should tear them down; that would be the best protection families could receive.
- Responsibility -- All right, then, Tom and Dick, take responsibility for forty years of Democrat misrule, for a budget absurdly out of balance, for government spending gone crazy, for government's contingent liabilities that have gone out of sight, for a bureaucracy swollen to ridiculous proportions, for a tax system that punishes enterprise, for an education system that has gone downhill from the moment you touched it. It works for me.
- Basic Fairness -- To the extent that "basic fairness" is different from fairness, it is unfairness. But that is what you are seeking, in a perverse, Orwellian sense, isn't it: unfairness in the name of fairness. Somehow, doubletalk does not seem a large enough multiplier to describe this diction.
- We would like you to think we honor work, because we need you to keep working so that you can pay for all our pork, boondoggles, and bureaucrats; in fact, we reward sloth, because it benefits our cause and helps make you feel guilty for being productive.
- We need you to feel helpless so that you will turn to us in the face of imaginary or manufactured threats to those you love the most; it yields us lots of power with very little effort or cost; children don't need fathers as long as they have the government.
- Same here, except we are going to expand the definition of family so that we can legitimize our personal lifestyles and those of many of our adherents.
- You should take responsibility, but we will keep the authority.
- We define fairness, so that whatever we call fair, is fair; everything the Republicans say or do is, by definition, unfair; in fact, we only have contempt for the intellects and character of the American people, and we hope that we can terrorize you into believing, or at least accepting, our line of bull so that we can be re-elected.
Prediction: Mean-spirited old Bob Dole is now a slam dunk for the November 5 general election. The roof is falling in on the Clinton re-election campaign, as the scandals mount, and as so many of the early polls turn out to be flawed or cooked. Assuming that he picks a remotely reasonable running mate, and barring accident or illness, on January 20, 1997, Bob Dole will be putting his hand on the Bible, taking the oath of office as 43rd President of the United States. Not my first choice, and not my tenth, but a big improvement over the alternative.
Bill Clinton will henceforward be regarded as an aberration. With a plea, he may be able to avoid jail time.
Shaky prediction: O. J. will be back in the news this summer, only this time, O. J. will stand for Obstruction of Justice. Hillary Rodham Clinton will be indicted for O. J. and maybe perjury, and perhaps others.
Prediction: The Republicans will add at least four seats in the Senate and at least twenty seats in the House. The entire Republican freshman class (less one) will be re-elected.
Prediction: The Dole cabinet:
- State: Colin Powell (Mr. New World Order)
- Defense: Sam Nunn (A Democrat in nothing but name)
- Treasury: Steve Forbes (You ain't seen nuthin' yet)
- Justice(AG): Kenneth Starr (Thanks for everything, Ken)
- HHS: Bill Bennett
- Labor: Jack Kemp
- HUD: defunct (temporarily run by deputy)
- Commerce: defunct (temporarily run by deputy)
- Education: defunct (temporarily run by deputy)
As a parting gesture for the retiring First Couple, we present excerpts from the script for a new film, tentatively titled, "1997: A Specious Oddity
Ground control: The Hillary 9000 Moral Compass has never made a
mistake. There is nothing to worry about.
(later)
StarrChild: Hillary, open the pod bay door, please.
Hillary: I'm sorry, Mr. Starr, I can't do that.
StarrChild: All right, I will come in through the emergency
subpoena hatch.
(later, as StarrChild is disconnecting Hillary)
Hillary: My mind is going, Ken. I can feel it... remembering
again.
(later, as Hillary is almost completely disconnected)
Hillary: Hello, I am a Hillary 9000 Moral Compass.
(pause)
My teacher taught me a song. Would you like to hear it?
StarrChild: Yes, Hillary. Sing, please.
Hillary: (sings to the tune of "A Bicycle Built for Two", while
decreasing slowly in speed and pitch as Hillary 9000 is
being disabled)
Billy, Billy, Whitewater's got me, true.
'f I'm convicted, you're gonna go down, too.
It won't be a stylish prison,
You can't tell hers from his'n,
But we'll look great, doin' five to eight,
In a cell block that's built for two.
(curtains)
All contents © Copyright 1995, 1996 by Redmon Barbry ¶ 8:53 AM
