March 9, 1997
A man always has two reasons for whatever he does -- a good reason and the real reason.
... J. Pierpont Morgan
Most friends of truth love it as Frederick the Great loved music. It used to be said of him that, strictly speaking, he was not fond of music but of the flute, and not indeed of the flute but of his flute.
... Alexandre Vinet
This is Redmon Barbry, Capitol Hill correspondent, reporting from Spendthrift Heights, Maryland, where members of Congress are having an all-weekend encounter session, no holds barred, to battle incivility. We are here at the Junket International Hotel and Convention Complex where all the luminaries are meeting. Let's take a peek inside.
First, we visit the Oleander Room where Speaker of the House Ging Newtrich is encountering Minority Leader Gep Dickhardt, under the supervision of Pally Weakknees, the seminar leader for this group, from Conflict Resolution Services, Inc. I think we can hear what they are saying.
Pally: OK, Ging, go ahead. Remember what we learned.
Ging: Gep, I just want to tell you how much I love you. It's
what you stand for that I can't bear sometimes. I wish
you would give up on your Neo-communism.
Gep: Ging, I love you, too, but sometimes your Nazi views get
in the way of good old boy patronage.
Pally: Gep, Ging, you guys need to lighten up a little. Gep,
when you call Ging a Nazi, it simply hardens the
positions you both adopt, making it more difficult to
compromise.
Gep: I didn't call him a Nazi, I described his views as Nazi.
Ging: You... (inaudible)
Pally: Now, now, and you, Ging, mustn't call Gep a Communist.
Ging: But, what if he is a Neo-communist?
Pally: You don't need to say so. If it's true, others will find
out; if it's not, then you will not have insulted him
unnecessarily. Besides, each time you call him a
Communist, it becomes harder for you to accept any
suggestions from him about the budget.
Ging: But we are in the majority...
Pally: No, no, that's not the way to cooperate. Majorities are
not the issue here. There's good in what Gep says, too.
Gep: So, there. Thweeeeewwwppp.
Pally: Ah-hah, better attitude, Gep.
Gep: Nah, nah-nah, nah, nah.
Ging: See what he does? See? I can't work with him when he's
like that. They crow and fuss over every issue.
Pally: Gep, what do you say to that?
Gep: Pally, if he thinks that a majority means that he can
turn the country into a concentration camp, he is going
to get a fight every inch of the way.
Pally: Ging, forget the rhetoric for a moment, do you hear the
integrity in what Gep says?
Ging: You gotta be kiddin'.
Sounds like a real headbanger in there. Let's move on down to the Hemlock Room, where House Majority Leader Arm Dickey is encountering Bud Tenior, the Minority Whip, being supervised by the distinguished peace mechanic and theoretician of Krishna Consciousness, Alamoshwandri Kenjurapishnublat Prednisone, of Perfunctory Contract Services. Let's listen in.
Bud: If I have to put up with one more minute of this...
Alamo: Now there is where you are going wrong Mr. Tenior because
you force each party to take sides who will want to put
up with one more minute and who will not don't you see
that when you do that it makes people more hostile to any
positive idea you might...
Arm: What positive ideas...
Alamo: ...want to communicate to the other side if you can be
less aggressive and more nonviolent and think about the
story of the lotus blossom and the snake that I told you
a few minutes ago and remember how the lotus blossom
overcame the snake in such a beautiful way that is in
complete harmony with the upper world...
Arm: What a bunch of...
Alamo: ...that we must all live in together in peace and holy
liberty and justice for all as long as we don't have to
think about doing anything in particular...
Well, these fellows still seem to be very much at the beginning of their session. Let's move on to the Deadly Nightshade Room where I understand that Senate Majority Leader Trott Lent and Minority Leader Dam Toschle are meeting together under the leadership of Armand Twister, of law firm, Dewey, Makepeace, O'Brother. Let's see if we can hear what they are saying.
Trott: My deal.
Dam: What's the game?
Trott: Stud.
Dam: Five or seven-card?
Trott: Five.
Ah, I see. Mr. Twister has them involved in a little bit of transactional analysis. This should be good.
Trott: Five thou'.
Dam: Call. I'll see one more card.
Trott: Ace. Your bet.
Dam: Ten thou'.
Trott: Raise.
Dam: (inaudible)
There certainly seems to be some mighty intense work going on in there. I wonder why Mr. Twister is lying on the floor, and lying so still? Hm.
That's all for now. We have been on an inside tour of the civility seminar for Congresspersons here at the Junket International Hotel. This is Capitol Hill correspondent Redmon Barbry reporting from Spendthrift Heights, Maryland.
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- How to get a unanimous decision every time!
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- Don't take no for an answer (or yes, either)!
- Now it says something; now it doesn't!
- Old ideas: the bane of jurisprudence!
Special sessions are offered in compromise, debating without dissent, brotherhood, feelings, what it is like to be in the minority, and taking the auguries. If you or someone you know is a Supreme Court Justice, urge them to sign up for this exciting course. They will never regret it!
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All contents © Copyright 1995, 1996 by Redmon Barbry ¶ 5:43 PM
