January 9, 1998
The really terrible thing about life is not that our dreams are unrealised, but that they come true.
... Malcolm Muggeridge
Like its predecessor, our present civilization may be no more than one of those crops farmers sow to improve their land by the fixation of nitrogen from the air; it may have grown only that, accumulating certain traditions, it may be plowed into the soil again for better things to come.
... H. G. Wells
Chief: Let's come to order. Now, I know that a lot of rumors
have been flying around, and there has been a lot of talk
about how we've taken it on the chin from the PepsiCo
campaign. But we are not about to take that lying down.
So, today, we are announcing our new ad campaigns for
three of the leading accounts here. The first presenter
is Mr. Immi Tative, who is going to tell us about his
strategy for the McDunald's account. Immi, go ahead.
IT: Thanks, Chief. Here's our layout: a straight, head-to-
head with PepsiCo. Taco's can't match hamburgers.
Culturally speaking, McDunalds holds all the aces. And
to balance Gorbachev, our spokesman will be... (unveils
portrait) Vlad the Impaler!
(general applause)
Chief: Well done. I think that calls for congratulations all
the way around, don't you? (more applause) Now, Mr.
Helmet Bungler, to unveil the campaign for Eastern
European Volksbagen.
HB: 'Preciate that, Chief. Well, as you know, we have been
casting around for something that would put Volksbagen in
front again, something to make a statement that would
distinguish the Volksbagen in the former Lebensraum.
Well, Chief, we went back to basics, back to our origins,
and here it is... the basic black Beetle! (a trickle of
applause) ... and to help make our statement... (unveils
portrait) ... that's right, Adolf Hitler!
(general applause)
Chief: Excellent. Congratulations. You people outdo
yourselves, year after year, but this time, you have
really hit the nail on the head.
HB: We thought for a long time about using Adolf Eichmann,
but we finally decided that the Jewish angle, well...,
you know.
Chief: Very perceptive of you, Mr. Bungler, and very sensitive.
Well done, Our final presentation comes from Mr. Pred
Nisone, representing the Vaselini Hand Care account.
Pred?
PN: Thanks, Chief. This year we wanted to bring forward a
new outlook on hand care products, something that would
cause a lot of hand washing without a lot of hand
wringing. (titters of laughter) Ha, ha. Well, for
that, we needed a spokesman who could carry some weight
with people, a man whose hand hygiene was legend, who
could lend this product line a helping..., well, you
know. Name recognition, that's what I said. I said it
over and over to my people, name recognition, name
recognition... And the team finally put it all
together. Ladies and gentlemen, the Vaselini Hand Care
Products spokesman of the year... (unveils portrait)
Let's hear it for... yes, it's Pontius Pilate!
(thunderous applause)
Chief: Great, great. Well, we have seen some truly amazing,
innovative plans and strategies today, very forward-
looking. Thanks to everyone. I think that the company
can look forward to some very strong numbers. I don't
see how we can go down from here.
NS: I'm Nicola Sacco...
BV: ... and I'm Bartolomeo Vanzetti.
NS: Welcome to the Sacco-Vanzetti News Hour on your local PBS
station. At the top of the news, President Clinton has
signed a special waiver permitting the Truth to be buried
with honors at Arlington National Cemetery. Although never
a large contributor to the DNC, the Truth is widely
respected and deserves to be buried with dignity, the
President said. Bart?
BV: In other news, the President confronted his alleged accuser,
Paula Jones, face to face, today. Though the meeting was
private, confined to the alleged perpetrator, the alleged
lawyers for both sides, and the alleged victim... Nick, who
the hell writes this...
NS: I do, Bart.
BV: ... deathless prose! ... some details have leaked out.
Paula Jones' lawyers, for instance, challenged the
President's claim that he was not Ms. Jones' superior in the
Arkansas government because his wife in fact ran things. As
evidence, the President is said to have cited anecdotes in
which he did not wear the pants. Later, the President's
lawyers hotly denied that he mooned Ms. Jones during the
meeting. Back to you, Nick.
NS: Bart, rumors are circulating in Washington today about a
conspiracy among the radical environmentalists to co-opt
trees to carry out assassinations of leading political
figures. Leaders at Green Peace labeled the rumors
"patently absurd." Sierra Club spokesmen were unavailable
for comment. Inexplicably, protesters were seen today
planting trees around the entrances to the Rayburn Building.
Well, good luck proving anything. Now, here's Bart for a
final comment.
BV: Nick, the President has outdone himself again. His new
proposals for child care subsidies and tax breaks is going
to make it possible for more people than ever to work for
less net income. This new program is loaded with good
policies. For instance, it will fund criminal background
checks for child care workers, going back over two years in
some cases, to be carried out by the same folks who work
handgun background checks. Also, the benefits will be
denied to the top one percent of wage-earners in the
country. On top of which, it is all being done for the
children. Children in this program will also receive free
legal aid, just in case their parents have used corporal
punishment at any time in the past. Man, this is moving
fast! Of course, the year is young yet. It ain't over till
the fat lady sings. But we are making PROGRESS. Nick?
NS: That's our news, tonight. For National Socialist Radio, I'm
Nicola Sacco...
BV: ...and for the Paid-for Bureau of Socialism, I'm Bartolomeo
Vanzetti.
All contents © Copyright 1995, 1996 by Redmon Barbry ¶ 10:03 AM
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very useful read. I would love to follow you on twitter. By the way, did you hear that some chinese hacker had hacked twitter yesterday again.
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